An excerpt, the day before

“Today, like every other day, is one of those days where I

am in a state of desperate need.

Of what, I’m not sure.”

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“Do you want to know yourself or not?”

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Unknowing is easy. Blissful, even.

Sleep, wake, eat, drink, stand, sit, type, type, type, type, type.

Without life’s inevitable interventions, this can (and did) occur for years without notice.

And after years, I began to notice my locus of control spinning out of my reach.

A sense of deep dissatisfaction, leading to constant externalization. That the Universe was keeping me stagnant, that it was unfair to me, lacking in space for me, sparing me its generosity and granting it to presumably undeserving others. And externalization led me to believe that the disrespect I felt came from the Universe’s disregard for my wants and desires, and for my little-ness in the Universe – I am one of billions, after all.

Prior to meeting Cameron, when asked if I wanted to know myself or not, I’d say yes and live the no. Or, as he puts it, “inhabiting a frozen smile while your body starves”.

In this state of starvation, when my body was using the last of its stores to keep me spiritually afloat, I recognized that the state my life was in could not just be. I again was wrong, assuming that the Universe was not going to give me what I thought I deserved, so there must be a way to fight against it and get it myself.

But the truth is that the Universe would give me everything I wanted if I was brave enough to 1) see myself, 2) know myself, and 3) become open to the idea of receiving.

To do this, I had to get comfortable being uncomfortable, particularly with seeing myself and being seen.

---A return to self-respect.

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An Etymological Breakdown

Return: Middle English: the verb from Old French returner, from Latin re- ‘back’ + tornare ‘to turn’; the noun via Anglo-Norman French.

Self: Old English self, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch zelf and German selbe. Early use was emphatic, expressing the sense ‘(I) myself’, ‘(he) himself’, etc.

Respect: late Middle English: from Latin respectus, from the verb respicere ‘look back at, regard’, from re- ‘back’ + specere ‘look at’.

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i respected myself

and it was a little ugly. i had to confront my phone addiction. and the fact that i began to find comfort in food, it was no longer a source of fuel but it provided me with the hugs i refused to give myself or seek from other people. and i couldn’t seek them (hugs, comfort, companionship, help) from other people because how miserable would i look being vulnerable? wouldn’t i look so miserable? and next i saw that i carried the burden of intimidation on my shoulders, literally. i knew that i was not an intimidating person but externally attempting to balance the weight of the universe on my shoulders withoutwanting to give even a little bit of it to someone else because i didn’t want to look like i couldn’t handle it on my own made me appear intimidating. but not strong. i was not strong. intimidating and intimidated by the opportunity to self-respect. it, or, the fix, was not immediate. but being granted the opportunity to self-respect made my shortcomings glaring and unavoidable. so, in my consultant nature, i chose to make it a process. i self-respected, and self-respected, and i self-respected, and i respected myself again, and then i self-respected, after which i self-respected and respected myself more. through the process of self-respection, i remembered my best me and i returned to her and i held her hand, and she thanked me for never forgetting about her, that even though she was at the back of my mind, she would always love me and be willing to walk with me again, whenever i was ready, and whenever i was not ready, because when i was not ready was always going to be the best time, and that through the not ready, the sandstorms and tidal waves and iOS updates and new places and life changes, that as long as I remembered her she would not let go of me

i want to thank him for respecting me and opening me up to respecting myself so I could respect myself.

---An excerpt, the day after

“Life changes. I have the power to change it. I have the power to be a

completely different person today than I was yesterday. In Toronto this

weekend, I met a lot of eager people, and I also met a man named Cameron.

I think that my interactions with Cameron may push me to change my life in

a profound way. I’m so excited to see how my life is about to transform.”

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final

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If you’re hesitant, I understand. There is something that happens beyond the surface. Understand that the person you are when you come out on the other side may vary greatly from who you were when you entered. Be prepared for metamorphosis, and know that the transformation doesn’t take one night, or even weeks or months – it will last you a lifetime and beyond.